Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
