Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
