I CAN MOONWALK!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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