She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
