Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
a search helicopter?!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
