You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
