I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
just tell him i said nine months
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
