nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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