did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
