I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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