I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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