just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
