why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
