I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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