Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
