I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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