May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
There's always time for handjobs
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
