He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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