I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
