I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
