Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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