Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
