Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
