I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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