I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
