I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
