She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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