my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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