so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This baby is an asshole
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
