I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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