dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
