it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
