so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
