im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
