If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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