I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
