I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
