I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
