I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
