I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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