I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
