You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
