i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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