we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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