Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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