She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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