I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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