can we get nightvision for the apartment?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
