My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
