I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
