DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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