it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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